Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
