oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
