I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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