Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
