i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
