he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
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I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
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I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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