I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
