we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize