why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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