Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
how does that bad decision feel?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
