Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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