Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
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Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
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Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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