oh god the rape fog is back!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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