You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
