Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
