i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
