I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
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I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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