He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
