i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
