I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
