I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
