I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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