It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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