You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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