i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
