I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
