that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
