After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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