I feel like abortions should bother me more
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize