I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
