If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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