Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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