just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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