hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
