You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
