Your dad touched me again.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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