Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
