so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
