I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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