But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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