i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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