I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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