The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
