hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
