How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Randomize
