I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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