This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
