i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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