hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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