Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
