dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
