Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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