you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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