let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.