Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night