Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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