I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
