Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
