Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
