i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
